I know it has been so long since I last wrote anything and I apologize. I really do! A lot has gone on lately and it’s just going to take so long to explain so I will just try my best to give you all a cliffnotes version! kk?

Ok. It all started back in August! Bradley turned 18 on the 25th and all was well. He was excited because he had soooo much freedom now! and I was so happy for him! lol. We went to numerous places to do/play things  he never could until he turned 18. He bought his first pack of cigarettes by himself. he bough and played his first scratch offs. Pull Tabs. Etc. I was soo happy for him because finally, he was free.. or was he?

A couple days later, he comes down… and we go to walmart. to get some groceries for him and his gran. I was like cool, alright. haven’t seen you in a while so i was stoked to see my “baby”. spend some time with him. it went well I thought. I gave him a kiss good bye when he left and Next day… started out pretty decent.  then I had to leave and we told each other we loved one another.. and We always made a promise in the beginning that we would never say ” I love you” to the other unless we actually meant it! So, I thought to myself, ok we still good! We still good! LOL ( I did this daily, when I talked to him) but, apparently I was wrong. I knew he loved me. or he wouldn’t have said it but something else was wrong because when I come back he is just like ” I think I need a break. I need a break. I am losing myself and nothing is as it was in the beginning!” etc et c. I dont know. i think he got a taste of his new freedom and didn’t want to be tied down to a commited relationship?! I don’t know and I try not to question it. But we remain friends.  So, 2 days after we broke up. Called off our engagement! etc.. I hooked up with Alex! yea, I know.. Rebound much? I know.

I found that in the end ( recently  broke up with him ) that it was nothing but a rebound. I loved him.. but i WAS NOT IN LOVE with him. I cared about him a lot and he helped me through my breakup with Bradley!. But in the end, i just didn’t feel for him as he did for me and in order for me to spare his feelings and keep him from falling even more in love with me, i had to end it! I didn’t want to hurt him anymore than he was already going to be.  But, he was just tooo clingy, too attatched and i felt l ike I was pinned inside a corner or a box and couldn’t get out without permission! I never like that feeling.  Thinking i HAD to call or talk to him once a day.. when really I shouldn’t have too, i needed to be able to have a day just to myself! any who.. bah..

now I am single. Simply put! hahah.. Love it or hate it, I am alone.. and wishing and waiting for a day in which my one true love will return!

(oooh) tell me what you think you’re lookin at,
(noo) so I think I’m Queen Elizabeth,
(oooh) and now I’m stuck inside your memory,
(so) that’s why it’s so hard to get rid of me

I’m incredible, so unforgettable,
so no one can take my place
I’m unbreakable, highly flammable,
so girl get out my face

ooo we got em going crazy
maybe ‘cuz were so amazing
everybody in a daze and
that’s the reason why they’re hatin’,
treat us like some superstars
and only cuz that’s what we are
you know we’re going really far
and ya’ll ain’t even heard it all

you hate cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
a pretty little problem, uh-huh,
you hate cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
a pretty little problem, uh-huh,
you hate me cuz I’m everything that you ever wanted to be
and i dont mind cuz I love it when you lookin at me
cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
I said that I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
(keep lookin at me)

(wow) It seems to me like I was botherin’
(how) cuz i make walkin look like modelin
(wow) it ain’t my fault the boys keep followin’
(now) if you were better he wouldn’t be wonderin’

I’m incredible, so unforgettable,
so no one can take my place,
I’m unbreakable, highly flammable,
so girl get out my face

ooo we got em going crazy
maybe ‘cuz were so amazing
everybody in a daze and
that’s the reason why they’re hatin’
treat us like some superstars
and only cuz that’s what we are
you know we’re going really far
and ya’ll ain’t even heard it all

you hate cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
a pretty little problem, uh-huh,
you hate cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
a pretty little problem, uh-huh
you hate me cuz I’m everything that you ever wanted to be
and i dont mind cuz I love it when you lookin at me
cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
I said that I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
(keep lookin at me)

(ladies) we’re Prima J you know it
we’re not afraid to show it
we hold the crown and that’s right
you can’t stop us now
the cloud we’re on is golden
they can’t fix what’s not broken
don’t act like ya’ll don’t know
what’s ’bout to happen now

you hate cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
a pretty little problem uh-huh,
you hate cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
a pretty little problem uh-huh
you hate me cuz I’m everything that you ever wanted to be
and i dont mind cuz I love it when you lookin at me
cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
I said that I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
you hate cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
a pretty little problem uh-huh,
you hate cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
a pretty little problem uh-huh
you hate me cuz I’m everything that you ever wanted to be
and i dont mind cuz I love it when you lookin at me
cuz I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
I said that I’m a rockstar, a rockstar,
(keep lookin at me)

why don’t you take a picture? it’ll last longer

Boys call you sexy (What’s up sexy?), and you don’t care what they say
See everytime you turn around you saying my name

Now I got a confession (haha, ha, ha ha)
When I was young I wanted attention (haha, ha, ha ha)
And I promised myself that I’d do anything (haha, ha, ha ha)
Anything at all for them to notice me (haha, ha, ha ha)

But I ain’t complaining
We all wanna be famous
So go ahead and say what you wanna say
You don’t know what it’s like to be nameless
Want them to know what your name is
‘Cause see when I was younger I would say

When I grow up I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies
When I grow up I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies
When I grow up, be on tv, people know me, be on magazines
When I grow up, Fresh and clean, number one chick when I step out on the scene

But be careful what you wish for cause
you just might get it
you just might get it
you just might get it

But be careful what you wish for cause
you just might get it
you just might get it
you just might get it

They used to tell me I was silly
Until I popped up on the TV (lala la, la la)
I always wanted to be a superstar
Who knew singing songs would get me this far (lala la, la la)

But I ain’t complaining
We all wanna be famous
So go ahead and say what you wanna say
You don’t know what it’s like to be nameless
Want them to know what your name is
‘Cause see when I was younger I would say

When I grow up I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies
When I grow up I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies
When I grow up, be on tv, people know me, be on magazines
When I grow up, Fresh and clean, number one chick when I step out on the scene

But be careful what you wish for cause
you just might get it
you just might get it
you just might get it

But be careful what you wish for cause
you just might get it
you just might get it
you just might get it

I see them staring at me
Oh I’m a trendsetter
Yes this is true cus what I do, no one can do it better
You can talk about me, cause I’m a hot topic
I see you watching me watching me and I know you want it

When I grow up I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies
When I grow up I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies
When I grow up, be on tv, people know me, be on magazines
When I grow up, fresh and clean, number one chick when I step out on the scene

But be careful what you wish for cause
you just might get it
you just might get it
you just might get it

But be careful what you wish for cause
you just might get it
you just might get it
you just might get it

When I grow up I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies
When I grow up I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies
When I grow up, be on tv, people know me, be on magazines
When I grow up, Fresh and clean, number one chick when I step out on the scene

But be careful what you wish for cause
you just might get it
you just might get it
you just might get it

But be careful what you wish for cause
you just might get it
you just might get it
you just might get it

Yeah

I have made it to where if you go to my main page (www.silenced-hatred.com) it automatically redirects you here. This site has been finally transformed into a personal blog for me. If I wish to make another page for it I will add any or all pages below the About link on the side bar!

Much love and thank you all so much for hanigng in there with me!

P.S.- I am going to try and get my music on here as well for you all!

The past couple of months have been one hell of a monstrous ride and has been filled with so many ups and downs that there are times I can’t find my way back up sometimes; but with time, I have been able to overcome many of my obstacles.

In march, I lost my mother who passed away due to many complications and with her passing, I lost a part of myself, my sould so-to-speak. There has been times when I didn’t know if I could make it, but I pulled through with the support of my friends. I just have to come to terms with the fact that I no longer have my Mother or Father in my physical life but they remain solid and present in my spiritual one.  I just hope that I am making them proud of me as they made me sooo proud of them.

Following mom’s death, i mentioned that there had been times when I didn’t know when I would pull myself together, but I didn’t have to worry about that for long. Charles Bradley Owens came into my life; and I always pin that to my mom for sending me such a wonderful man.  He helped me in so many ways and I thank him so much. He has been my rock, my shoulder to cry on and someone I can tell anything to. He is always there, and knows what to do to make me feel loved. Our love is strong, so strong, that in September we will be one, forever with our approaching marriage.

I LOVE YOU BABY!

Work, on the other hand, has been hell as well. I am finally in management and have been since march but the pressure and stress sometimes doesn’t feel worth it.  I worked so hard to get where I am and I am not going to let anyone take it from me.  Contrary to what most people there would like to believe; I actually know what the hell I am doing and I know I can make a difference in the store.  I could bring so much to my job and most of the times it feels all for not.  But, it’s the same thing everywhere you go, so I just have to deal with it and keep pushing forward and do what I know is right.

I moved out of prestonsburg back to Paintsville after living with a roomate who made me feel as if I were locked in a cage. I couldn’t have anyone over and when I had my fiancee over he through a hissy fit and threw me out.  He had always told me that he would never do that whatever the circumstances and that I could have him over whenever I wished as long as I respected his private space such as his bed, etc.  I had come home after staying with a friend for the weekened to shower because they had no running water in the house due to burst pipelines, and they had both (Bradley and Dwayne) came with me so I let them sit in the living room and watch television while I washed up, got fresh clothing so we could head out. I had just gotten out of the shower when my then roomate called my cellphone and told me he wanted my shit packed and most of it out before he got back into town.

I had everything out but my Chair and some lamps and sheets that very day. He wanted me out so bad, I got out. But turns out, it was only so that his boyfriend could move in. That was completely wrong and discourteous after I pretty much supported his ass, and now he is reeping the consequences over it. No stability and his boyfriend does not have any income coming in, without a job and most people getting hour cuts due to lack of businesses seeing as people have no money for gas prices since they skyrocketed to 4 bucks a gallon.

Oh well,all-in-all, I am finally happy. Here, I am free and am able to do what I wish without restrictions. I can have whomever I wish over and can actually answer the phone without the other person fearing that they will be busted if they were caught having me living here with them. It’s an equal partnership in this deal. We’re roomates and true friends and in August my fiancee will be moving in!

Anywho, I am going to go rest seeing I have worked all day and am going to relax in the air conditioning and watch some television. Much love to you all, and yes! I am back and hopefully for good.